ok..so here's what happens on the moon

riker and captain kirk are huddled around the space computer, typing away. spock enters the room and slowly creeps up behind them, surprising both by placing his hands on their shoulders. riker exclaims "ahh!, don't do that! you creep that shit out of me when you siddle up like that." spock changes the subject and inquires about what they are working on. "we are just working on our final report on what actually happened on the moon. we're almost finished and space headquarters should receive it in about 20 minutes." explains kirk.
spock ponders this for a moment before deciding that shq is better off not knowing the horrific blunders occured on the moon. "kirk..." spock offers, "wouldn't you like a bagel right now? imagine it...all hot and crispy on the outside...warm and soft on the inside. you can use that delicious veggie cream cheese...spread it real thick...mmmm...just think about it....mmmm...eh?" without saying a word, kirk propels himself backwards on his rolling space chair and darts out the room to the enterprise kitchenette.

spock now focuses his attention on the tougher to crack riker. "look, i know what you're trying to do. it won't work on me, because we have to let the world know what happened on the moon. a lot of fucked up shit went down and if we try to ignore it...it's just gonna get worse. way worse. i mean...can you believe that that alien-" spock interupts, "i left some klingon porn in the den...nobody's looking..." his eyes dart back and forth like he's on the lookout, "nobody's judging..." riker barks back..."whatever...i'm not into that stuff....if anyone would know that i would expect it to be you!" spock ashamedly looks away. spock changes gears and explains, for every 10 seconds that riker remains in the room, he will be removing an article of clothing. riker points out "but you're only wearing a one piece jump suit..." spock counts down "3...2...1..." and with surgical precision, is completely nude. riker can't handle it anymore and leaves the room. spock deflty alters the contents of the report and retitles it "the moon: nothing out of the ordinary".

data will make it all better

With the meeting adjourned and the plan set for in place for tomorrow's time travel, Data heads back to his favorite spot to perv on the girls whilst showering. He walks by some of the space cabins and notices a clearly bummed out Wesley Crusher. Data inquires, “What seems to be the problem, teenage human?” Wesley turns his face away to hide his tears and blurts out “Nothing.” Data knows something is up and offers, “I just got a new bag of Jelly Babies with your name on them...eh?” “That won't help...but I will take them. Look, you wouldn't understand anyways. It's a girl problem.” Data acknowledges with a non-judgmental head nod. “You see, every time I meet a girl, it never gets past the space dance floor. They always tell me that I'm not...that I'm not...sigh... funky enough.”

Data responds, “Oh hale naw! You ain't goin out like that! Look, I know you can bring the funky. It's definitely inside of you.” Data confidently strides over to the space boombox and pops in his space tape of DJ Kool. The music starts up and Data grabs Wesley's hands and pulls him up to his feet. Standing side by side with DJ Kool starting, “Let me clear my throat!”, Data insists “Watch me and mimic.” “Step to the left”, Data steps to the left. “Step to the right”, Data steps to the right. “Now just shimmy those shoulders and swivel those hips, like this!” The young Mr. Crusher watches and takes mental notes, but doesn't have time to be shy as Data just grabs his hand and makes him find his funky. After a few moments of awkward, unsure movements, Data insists “OK, new plan, just close your eyes and let the funky find you.” As he closes his eyes, Wesley begins to let go and let the funky take over. Before he realizes it, he is dancing and dancing funkily right along with Data. They are having a grand time and Wesley's confidence grows exponentially.

spock is kinda turning into a serious a-hole

the story continues. if i loser it up this weekend, then i will have time to really dig into this story and makes some progress. for now, here is what i just wrote in the last 10 minutes. as usual, and i will stop asking and just know it is assumed, but please leave any feedback in the comments.

Most of the crew, well at least all the major movers and shakers were sitting around the buffet table, enjoying their meals (in space pill form) and trying to listen to Bones yammer on about his plan. Kirk has already dozed off and Spock was making threatening facial gestures towards Jordy, who unlike Scotty, knew better than to escalate matters. The plan is complicated and Bones isn't even 100% sure it will work correctly. “Basically, if my calculations are close enough, then it should work. We all need to enter the reactor pods completely nude...” explains Bones. Whoopi cackles “Oooh child...I bet you would love that!”. Clearly disturbed, Bones tries to continue his explanation. “Anyways...once in our assigned reactor pods, I will remotely activate the centrifuge. Once it begins, the pods will release space gas to put us to sleep. The spinning will eventually generate 88 metric tons of space pressure per space meter. That magic number, combined with the reverse osmosis will send us and the ship exactly 2 months back in time so we can easily pretend like we are not feeling well and avoid the moon mission.” At this point, Bones is essentially talking to himself. “I should have just let that bear eat me that one time...” he mumbles to himself. Picard, realizing that Bones has finished with his little presentation, stands up, yawns mockingly and declares “Ok everyone, let's just do what poindexter here says and -” Chekov interupts “But sir, doesn't this all seem a little risky? It's just a week. We'll all be fine after that.” Picard's face and voice suddenly take a more serious tone. “You little shit. Do not ever interrupt me again! Do you realize who I am? I'm the motherfuckin cap'n son! You mess up like that again, and my Vulcan buddy over here will make sure your screams can be heard in outer space.” Chekov glances over to Spock who is flashing a fucked up joker smile and is licking his lips. Chekov nervously agrees “I'm in. Let's go..back to the future...uh I mean past. Spock please stop staring at me. I'll be good now.”

sequel to star wars

well most people have enjoyed what i have written so far. i just spent another 30 minutes writing a little more, which i will post below. ben just came up with a genius ending to the story that doesn't even have a plot yet. and by genius, i mean, so good that i don't know if i should even use it. again, please post your feedback. anyways, the story picks up after the spock-scotty altercation.

Nurse Uhura dutifully stitches Scotty's nose back on his face using a little elbow grease and a lot of space thread. “Oh Scotty, why do you always allow that a-hole to suck you into his weirdo mind games?” Scotty shrugs his shoulder, lets out a sigh and avoids eye contact. Last night Scotty had professed his horniness to Uhura, only to have her admit that she was horny for someone else. She wouldn't admit who, but he had his suspicions. “Just make it so I can smell again...” Right then Sulu walks by “Mmm, you're kinda ripe already dude.” He smiles, high fives Uhura and she exclaims “Amen to that!” All 3 burst out laughing simultaneously, Uhura and Sulu share a knowing glance that is not noticed by Scotty. Or was it?

Back on the bridge, Captains Kirk and Picard are mulling over what could have become of their planned double date if they weren't quarantined. “I would totally have gotten the hot one.” explains Picard. “The ladies love 'cardy!” Kirk asks “Why is everything a competition with you? They both probably would have been hot, at least that's what Data told me and his tastes are impeccable. Either way, we'll never know. Stupid moon. I hate you moon!” Just then Bones comes excitedly bumbling into the command center. “Captain! I think I may have figured out a way to get us out of this pickle! What we need to do is what's known as 'time travel'.” Both captains look at each other. Captain Kirk mentions “I've never heard of that.” Picard throws in his two cents “It sounds stupid.” “Sirs, it's not stupid and can make it so that we never have to undergo that situation on the moon and be able to bypass this quarantine, thusly getting our leave time.” Kirk asks “Well are there any risks involved?” Picard snaps back, “Whatever, who cares about 'risks'...quit being such a baby and let's just do what nerdboy here wants to do so we can go on our double date. I call no Klingon!” Kirk, realizing he has been beaten to the punch, hangs his head low and attempts to focus on Bones' plan.

star wars

i have recently become aware of the phenomena known as fan fiction and i found the idea pretty intriguing. now even though i have not technically watched much star trek, i sort of get the gist i think. i'm a pretty sharp guy. while i may not know many specifics, its presence in pop culture gives me a good enough idea of how things work. i assume the show has a very rich history i can mine from and has many fans that might find my take on the star trek universe fun and entertaining. i'm not saying these will be better than actual star trek stories, although i am not ruling the possibility out, but we'll see where it goes. i just started writing it this morning and am using my usual write as i go with no idea where it will eventually end up.

i have already been chastised by dan for writing this when i am not a "trekkie" or whatever you nerds call yourselves. nam has also pointed out that jess wrote some trek fan fic when she was like 15. either way, i have spent about 30 minutes crafting the beginning scene or whatever for my story. i realize that i am not a very good writer right now, but hopefully i will improve some as i go. i will post what i have so far below. please provide any feedback positive or negative about what i have written so far, as well as any suggestions. thanks!

Untitled Start Trek Adventure

Captain's Log #345

We have some downtime whilst awaiting our redeployment next week. Unfortunately, due to the mishap on the moon, we are all quarantined here on this fucking ship. I swear to god that I will murder everyone on board if they can't expedite this process and give us some god-damned leave. I am getting too old for this shit.

Tensions are high aboard the S.S. Enterprise as nobody will take full blame for what happened on the moon. The crew has been on duty for 6 straight months and now their leave time is being used up. They just can't catch a break. Everyone sits around eyeballing each other, barely speaking a word. Spock, clearly one of the most upset crew members, steps down from his garish throne and intensely locks eyes with Scotty. Not being one to ever back down, Scotty stands up from his side-lying position at the bay window and aggressively approaches the cold-faced Spock. The present crew members focus their attention on the potential face-off as at least a means of entertainment if not a form of justice as many place the blame of the moon fiasco solely on Spock's broad Vulcan shoulders.

Both men now stand facing each other in the middle of the room, posturing up and looking tough. “Oh man...I have been waiting for this moment for a loooooong time...are you ready to be murdered by these fingers?” asked Scotty. Spock calmly replied “According to my calculations, you will lose this fight so bad, you died yesterday....and so did your Momma!” An enraged Scotty gets in Spock's face “That's it, you ready to fight?” “No fighting...” Scotty raises his eyebrow and looks confused. Spock continued, “...just kissing.” Scotty scans the room to get confirmation from his fellow crewmates that this took a weird turn. Spock smiles and leans in for the kiss, but quickly changes course and takes a huge chomp out of Scotty's unsuspecting nose. Spock then spits out the nose chunk and causally walks away. His smug expression is only matched by the horror on Scotty's face as dark red blood projects out of his nose hole like a fruit punch fountain dispenser. Even though their was a collective gasp and scream of horror from Sulu, everybody else acts like they didn't see it cause it's really gross.