a cowardly theory

i've recently made an interesting observation concerning the colts qb situation. yes, this one is purely about football...so dave, feel free to read this one carefully and then comment.

anyways, jim sorgi is the backup qb for the indianapolis colts. this has to be the best job in the nfl. peyton manning has never missed an nfl game because on injury and as far as i know sorgi has been healthy throughout his 4 year career. this preseason manning undergoes suergery to remove an infected bursa sac and may potentially miss some games. time for sorgi to step up, right?

sorgi has had some playing experience, usually at the end of the season when the colts have their playoff situation all wrapped up and they want to rest their starters. those are pretty low pressure games to play in. now he might have to start the season as the team's qb1 and we suddenly hear of some mystery knee ailment or something. coincidence?

now i have no evidence or really any reason to arrive at the following theory, but it popped in my head, probably because this is how i would deal with it as well. sorgi can't handle the pressure and is faking his injury to avoid having to play. he's cool with his cushy situation of collecting big paychecks, wearing a baseball cap and standing next to tony dungy, but now that the pressure is on, he's wilting faster than flowers jessie just breathed on. oh snap! yeah, i just went there...

anyways, he's probably praying for peyton to get healthy now with some sort of reverse voodoo doll. i checked and sorgi is 6'5, weighing in at 196...hmm, that sounds like a louis brown physique, which is good for running, but not for getting piledrived by 2 300 pound men. much like nam and his blog, jim sorgi...consider yourself exposed!!!

discoveries of late

in an attempt to keep up my end of the blogging agreement, i am starting yet another series of posts that may be easier to keep up as opposed to other series like people that are considered funny but are clearly unfunny. although i could easily add to that list (robin williams, mike meyers, dana carvey, etc.) those posts often require more time and i am usually lazy.

this new series will comprise of things i find on the internet that amuse, horrify, and entertain me. while i doubt anything i find the rest of this year will compare to spaghetti cat, here are some recent internet discoveries:

1. hanna montana gummies
wow...i honestly don't know what to say about this. upon seeing this for the first time, it gave me a sense of relief that there are in fact wonderful things that exist in the universe. i feel everything involved in this is pure, unadulterated genius. did billy ray have any input on this? just...wow...

2. my new favorite source of motivation
i have been hitting the gym a lot lately in an effort to not be quite so fat. some days are tough and i just don't have the effort to go in and do work. sometimes i get tired and feel like skipping tougher exercises. now when i need it most, i can think about the following image, dig deep and work out like i am supposed to. i know he made a grammar error and it should be "you're", not "your"...but cut him some slack...he's a puppy.

3. the sexy people website
don't worry, this is not a porn site...and is very sfw, unless your coworkers hear you laughing like i do after each of laura's fantasy football draft picks. either way, this is an decent time waster and consists of wonderfully awful portraits of misguided people (seemingly mostly from the 70s and 80s). click here. i think my faves are trevor and larry.

4. the dark knight with kids
i really enjoyed the dark night, even though it went way past my normal limit of 100 minutes. this is a few weeks old, but i found it appropriate to include here as it is surprisingly well done and entertaining.

why won't my friends blog?

when i am at work...i am often a very bored man. this has led to my reading waaaay too much about fantasy football. writing in this blog is a slightly more productive activity but i can only write so much...i'm just not that interesting. therefore, i crave things to read at work, even better if it's something written by someone i know...and even greater if my name is mentioned in it.
some of my friends have started blogs, but most have not really fulfilled their blogging duties, at least as far as my expectations go. dan blogs occassionally, but it is usually pretty nerdy. laura just started blogging and seems to have gotten into it, which i think is awesome. dave and louise, both of whom i believe could be very funny writers, started their blogs but those died quickly. ben blogs and rates things...it seems this is primarily anime. i know tobin has a blog...but it is not updated frequently enough and it is usually stuff that goes over my head. eskay had a videogame blog that seems to be retired. his posts were always funny...now he just needs to move onto a personal blog that will amuse me. phil who i think is especially funny in the written format suspiciously dodges my attempts to have him blog...like he's trying to bury some big secret. this leads to nam, who i have had many conversation with on blogging. his wife jess writes regularly in her blog that simultaneously amuses and frightens me. he has always claimed that he "doesn't blog". which is a little odd considering i stumbled upon this little web gem as well as this. nam is telling me as i write this that everyone else has seen these sites...i don't care. i'm going to expose the truth!

anyways this is a call to people to start blogging if you haven't yet, and if you currently are, do it more often. most importantly, make sure to include me in a majoirty of your entries. i mean seriously! where is alex's blog of insanity? where's sean's blog about trumpets...ok, i probably wouldn't read that one. how about louis' money-saving blog? or chris' "i always lose at madden" blog? my current amount of blogging diversions is not sufficient. blog.

best thing i have seen in a while

i don't care what anyone says, the soup is a hilarious television program. i'm not sure if it's a guilty pleasure, since i am not ashamed about liking it, but i could see how some would view it that way. while the show is always on point, one particular moment shamed all other funny moments on the show. i remember watching it with louise as we both laughed, but after 10 seconds her laughter died down like a normal person, while mine grew out of control. her smile may have transformed into a look of concern as i was gasping for air.

hmmm....that description may have built up this clip to unrealistic expectations. oh well. i know most people have probably seen it, but i write this as one part informative to someone who is unaware that this moment exists and one part documenting one of the funniest things i have seen in a while. enjoy.


i've done some research on this and apparently fox did that on purpose as a way to bleep something out. while i kind of wish this was the work of some assy jerk who was unhappy working the control room and thought this would be a funny prank, i do look forward to seeing more of these random stills as bleep replacement.

birthday conundrum

my 30th birthday is coming up soon and i need to make a decision about how to celebrate. i don't think i will freak out over the fact that i am becoming one year older and that year happens to arbitrarily be starting a new decade, but you never know. i am trying to decide between having a keg party similar to daves or else just going out to some bar.

while i think i prefer the idea of just having people over and hanging out...it might be too soon. the aftertaste of excessive yeungling may still be left in peoples' mouths and therefore doing it again 2 weeks later will probably just be kind of a letdown. on the other hand, if we go out, it will be more expensive, i will end up drinking too many different kinds of liquor and not everyone will be able to drink.

it would be nice to not have a party since there would be no clean up and a new environment to hang out in. also, i worry about angering the neighbors. we were pretty loud last time and i felt bad when they were looking out their window at us at like 1am. i did speak to my neighbor a few days ago and it was kind of a weird exchange.

i am walking towards my house while he is leaving. we exchange hellos. as he is getting into his car i decide that this is a good time to feel him out.

me: hey! sorry about it getting so loud the other night.
neighbor: (smiling) oh...don't worry about it (in thick african accent)
me: yeah, i saw that you guys were looking out your window at us and i felt bad that it was so noisy that late at night.
neighbor: seriously, it's no problem.
(i am feeling a little better)
me: oh ok, well then-
neighbor: my baby was just crying. (no change in tone, still sounding friendly)
(i am thrown)
me: uh....my bad...we'll try to keep it down next time.
neighbor: sure...don't worry about it.

i walk into my house not really sure what transpired. either way, if we do have a party this weekend, i think i will let him know ahead of time and give him my cell #, so that he can hit me on my hip if it is too loud.
so i am kind of unsure as to what i should do. i know the 2 people that read this blog are people that should be coming to my birthday outing, so what do you think i should do? what would be more fun? if you suggest going out, please give me some ideas.

you can't take me anywhere

i had that keeper draft on saturday and while some things went well i left with intense feelings of regret. this is a league with louise's stepdad, gary, and a bunch of his friends, most of whom probably have not spent much time around asian people. that's not to say that they weren't friendly or welcoming but many were older guys that one might consider slightly redneckish. at least that was my initial impression and assumption, which really didn't turn out to be valid. now i am already pretty shy around people i don't know, so with all of my own assumptions and stereotypes, i started off the evening a little guarded. knowing gary, who is such a great guy, i shouldn't have prejudged all of my leaguemates like i did.

well the draft went really well. i was very happy with most of my choices, with other guys usually complimenting my picks or jokingly cursing me for stealing the guy they wanted. there were some characters there. after a few shots of makers mark, i loosened up, realized everyone there was cool and i felt totally comfortable. that's where the problems began. often times when i drink, i can get a little mouthy. i start going off on subjects that i may or may not have any business talking about and it is obnoxious. when the subject of smoking comes up i get into extreme hypocrytical mode and start lecturing to these guys that they need to quit. these are guys that have been smoking for longer than i have been alive and for some reason i go off on them and think that i can suddenly change their minds. extremely obnoxious...i know.

i of course continue to drink and i discuss various subject with anyone that will listen to me. we talk about politics (i know, i know...). i don't recall how it comes up but someone talks about arm wrestling and i of course cannot resist talking shit/boasting, so i declare something like "arm wrestling??? shit...i'll run the table right now!" of course i end up arm wrestling and just generally being an asshole.
after the arm wrestling i am drunkenly coming to the conclusion that i am shooting my mouth off and acting a fool. i begin to apologize to these guys that i just met. they, being very nice guys who can handle their liquor are of course telling me that it's no problem and that i'm fine. well once i get an idea in my head where i think that i am being obnoxious/asshole/etc. i can't shake the thought. so i keep on apologizing, thus probably annoying people even more.

so i leave the draft with a great team, but feeling particularly embarrassed and ashamed by my behavior. i do hope that they don't think much of my drunken tomfoolery and that there was no harm done. louise keeps telling me that it's a complete nonissue, but i tend to obsess and dwell on stuff like this. at next year's draft i will only drink beer.

fantasy burnout

i really nerded out on fantasy football way too early this year. i have done 2 drafts so far and i have at least 2 more to go. due to my aversion to work, i tend to read a lot of fantasy football stuff online and now i am definitely feeling the effects of this lifestyle choice.

i have a general feeling of apathy towards the hobby that i usually love, and this feeling does not usually set in before the nfl season actually starts. i will probably get excited again once the season starts...but right now my interest has waned.

i have a keeper draft tomorrow (league w/ louise's stepdad), where i will be choosing amongst players that i am not too excited about. i somehow did well last year...but i am expecting a sophomore slump considering larry johnson is by far my best rb.

next week we are having the draft for annual friends league. this year we are doing it online, which is fine by me although, the current plan is to allow 2 minutes per pick, which at 12 teams, 21 picks each, so things could get ugly. especially when you consider that the draft doesn't start until 10:30 pm. this would have been ok with me a few years ago, but now i am usually asleep by 11. i have also realized that every year i am opposed to many aspects of this league. this is weird, because when i think about it, most people seem pretty indifferent to the league settings...and yet every year i find myself fighting for certain things. i guess there will always be haters. one thing i have always campaigned for are larger rosters, which admittedly plays to my advantage since i am a football nerd and tend to know more players than most. the narc set this league up and actually almost met my demands of 10 bench spots, compromising with 9. i think that is a small victory for me. here are a few predictions for this league:

1. only one tall redhead will have a good team
2. i will draft way too many "upside" guys
3. laura's team will come out of the gate strong but implode sometime around week 7
4. dan's team will be ok
5. chris will explain how his team sucks by about the midway point of the draft
6. nam will luck his way into the stongest team
7. someone i don't know will get hot at the end of the season and win it all
8. i will complain a lot

which sleeper rb will i pick and therefore suck?

dave's 35th birthday was a success

the portions of dave's birthday party where i was awake, were pretty awesome. a decent number of people showed up, a nice mix of people i see regularly and some that i rarely get to hang out with. we were able to finish off the quarter keg we had purchased earlier that day. we played a bunch of flip cup. someone mentioned that i was "looking hot" which was a nice ego boost...assuming it wasn't said with a malicious/sarcastic intent (ala "you're the coolest, homer simpson..) everyone seemed to be having a good time...even those that didn't take part in the drunken antics. it did get loud during the boys destruction of the girls in flip cup and i was a little concerned with the neighbors who were intermittantly checking things out from their bedroom window.

other things i noted:

• i was happy to see laura back to her old form, drinking and talking trash
• i wanted to see karen's sky diving video, but everyone had to watch olympic swimming (yawn...)
• it was good to drink with nikki and just see her in general since she has been gone for a month
• renée is a very good singer
• i decided i need to hang out w/ eskay in baltimore and bub and jill in silver spring
• bub would rather me call him bub than mark, which takes getting used to

people also played rock band, took shots (lots of them) and just generally had a good time. as the night wound down, some people were clearly too intoxicated. a few people ralphed outside, but luckily had sober people driving them home. after a lot of beer and way too many shots, i decided 3am was a good time to pass out. little did i know what was to occur next.

apparently, minutes after i collapsed into my bed, a friend of ours, who i will not refer to by name, was passed out on the couch. he/she then proceeded to vomit what was described to me as "black death w/ noodles". from all accounts, the volume of said vomit reached absurd proportions. it got so bad that it made another person run to the bathroom and upchuck. well our friend managed to vomit but was passed out and unable to really move. therefore, the people still remaining at the party, led by louise and some guys that have never met our friend, had to carry said vomitter out the door onto the patio, all while our roommate nicki was berating our friend and telling him/her to "man up". then louise had to clean up what was apparently a lot of puke. all this occurs while i lay asleep, blissfully unaware of the defiling of my carpet.

anyways, louise was up until 5am making sure our friend was ok (she had to work a double that day too) and they apparently woke up at some point in the morning and was able to make it home. i am sure this person is very embarassed about the situation and i would be too. that being said, we have been able to clean up the carpet pretty well. also, we know that this was an accident and don't really hold anything against our friend...although i am thinking they owe us a favor at some point.

so overall, i think this was our best party since my birthday last year. i am so glad i went to sleep when i did. considering how i was feeling at the time, i would not have been able to deal with that situation. i am also glad louise was able to tough it out and handle all of the dirty work. i showed my appreciation yesterday with a gift.

now the only question that remains, is what to do about my birthday. i will be turing 30, which sounds old, but as i have mentioned in the past, 30 is the new 12. i don't really care about making a big deal about my birthday as i tend to not enjoy being the focus of attention. that being said, i did really have a fun time the other night and would look forward to another similar evening. i would have to make sure that we keep an eye on how many shots people take as well as trying to keep the noise down so my neighbors don't get pissed off.

is it wrong to mock my dog?

many of you have met and gotten to know my dog, jessie, who has subpar intelligence. ok...as far as i know, she isn't actually "stupid", but i like to tell her that she is every day. while dave and i find this type of mocking and ribbing endlessly funny and amusing, louise, playing the part of jessie's overprotective mother, is very much against this type of activity.

part of the reason i do this is, as described, it is funny to me, but it also partly because jessie is so babied and spoiled by louise, i figure this kind of evens things out. let's face it...i like to keep things real.
jessie is a dog, and due to this fact, she is not as smart as me and she cannot comprehend what i am saying, unless it's something like "i wish you were never born." so if i say something making fun of her intelligence, laziness, overall lack of fitness, bad licking habits or poor hygiene, she just thinks i am talking about what i am going to feed her next.
obviously i love my dog...more than i ever thought i would when we first got her 3 years ago. she is the perfect dog for me and people living in my house. she is very sweet-natured, always chillin and very low-maintenance. she does things that make me laugh all of the time. she can sense when i am sick and will try to make me feel better. i know if it ever came down to it, jessie would selflessly jump in to protect me. i really could not imagine a better dog than jessie.
with all of that in mind, i still like to explain to jessie that we could make another dog out of her excessive neck skin. i still call her dumb-dumb. i like to detail our plans of replacing her with a "good" dog. even though she doesn't smell (most of the time) i like to tell her that her odor is making people feel ill. i obviosly could go on.

i assume that this is harmless fun, but who knows? i assume she knows i love her and i also assume she doesn't understand what i am saying. beyond it being absurdly juvenille, are there any reasons i should take it down a notch? or squash it cold turkey?