Friday, June 12, 2009 here's what happens on the moon

riker and captain kirk are huddled around the space computer, typing away. spock enters the room and slowly creeps up behind them, surprising both by placing his hands on their shoulders. riker exclaims "ahh!, don't do that! you creep that shit out of me when you siddle up like that." spock changes the subject and inquires about what they are working on. "we are just working on our final report on what actually happened on the moon. we're almost finished and space headquarters should receive it in about 20 minutes." explains kirk.
spock ponders this for a moment before deciding that shq is better off not knowing the horrific blunders occured on the moon. "kirk..." spock offers, "wouldn't you like a bagel right now? imagine it...all hot and crispy on the outside...warm and soft on the inside. you can use that delicious veggie cream cheese...spread it real thick...mmmm...just think about" without saying a word, kirk propels himself backwards on his rolling space chair and darts out the room to the enterprise kitchenette.

spock now focuses his attention on the tougher to crack riker. "look, i know what you're trying to do. it won't work on me, because we have to let the world know what happened on the moon. a lot of fucked up shit went down and if we try to ignore's just gonna get worse. way worse. i mean...can you believe that that alien-" spock interupts, "i left some klingon porn in the den...nobody's looking..." his eyes dart back and forth like he's on the lookout, "nobody's judging..." riker barks back..."whatever...i'm not into that stuff....if anyone would know that i would expect it to be you!" spock ashamedly looks away. spock changes gears and explains, for every 10 seconds that riker remains in the room, he will be removing an article of clothing. riker points out "but you're only wearing a one piece jump suit..." spock counts down "3...2...1..." and with surgical precision, is completely nude. riker can't handle it anymore and leaves the room. spock deflty alters the contents of the report and retitles it "the moon: nothing out of the ordinary".

another problem with being short

man this blog has become whine central...although i guess a majority of blogs are. anyways, let me complain about how clothing companies discriminate against short people. unlike others who are height-challenged, i will readily admit to being short. i'm 5' well at least 5'7 and definitely taller than dave. yes, i know this is short, but not ridiculously far from what i assume is the average height for men (i'm guessing 5'10). yet, when i tried to buy some new jeans yesterday, i find the shortest inseam (30) is still an inch or two too long for me. they have fucking 42 inch waists, but no 29 or 28 inch inseams? wtf? again, i admit to being short...but there are a lot of people shorter than me, and i feel that is ridiculous that i should have to special order jeans or have them tailored just so they can fit like they do on "normal sized" people.

as my friends know, i have always had abnormally large legs. this has been even further exaggerated with my recent weight lifting. so i already have a dilemma where my legs are too short for normal jeans, but now i either need to choose 32 inch waist that surprisingly fits my waist but makes my legs look like they are going to explode or else get 34 inch waist jeans that give my legs a little room, but then don't fit my waist.

i guess the point is, i am realizing that it is hard to find clothes that actually fit me correctly. is my body type that out of the ordinary? i feel that the short (but not super short) and fat (but not obese) demographic is not represented in clothing nearly as much as it is in our population. we are falling through the cracks and getting screwed over and i don't like it. in the meantime, i will be pulling up my pants high like an old person so they don't drag on the ground and i guess contemplating getting them tailored, probably doubling the cost of my jeans.

Monday, June 8, 2009

data will make it all better

With the meeting adjourned and the plan set for in place for tomorrow's time travel, Data heads back to his favorite spot to perv on the girls whilst showering. He walks by some of the space cabins and notices a clearly bummed out Wesley Crusher. Data inquires, “What seems to be the problem, teenage human?” Wesley turns his face away to hide his tears and blurts out “Nothing.” Data knows something is up and offers, “I just got a new bag of Jelly Babies with your name on” “That won't help...but I will take them. Look, you wouldn't understand anyways. It's a girl problem.” Data acknowledges with a non-judgmental head nod. “You see, every time I meet a girl, it never gets past the space dance floor. They always tell me that I'm not...that I'm not...sigh... funky enough.”

Data responds, “Oh hale naw! You ain't goin out like that! Look, I know you can bring the funky. It's definitely inside of you.” Data confidently strides over to the space boombox and pops in his space tape of DJ Kool. The music starts up and Data grabs Wesley's hands and pulls him up to his feet. Standing side by side with DJ Kool starting, “Let me clear my throat!”, Data insists “Watch me and mimic.” “Step to the left”, Data steps to the left. “Step to the right”, Data steps to the right. “Now just shimmy those shoulders and swivel those hips, like this!” The young Mr. Crusher watches and takes mental notes, but doesn't have time to be shy as Data just grabs his hand and makes him find his funky. After a few moments of awkward, unsure movements, Data insists “OK, new plan, just close your eyes and let the funky find you.” As he closes his eyes, Wesley begins to let go and let the funky take over. Before he realizes it, he is dancing and dancing funkily right along with Data. They are having a grand time and Wesley's confidence grows exponentially.

i need to find my inner slater

because i know all of you care about my ongoing saga of being lame and single, i will note another evening out i had this weekend. saturday night i went to this bar that had ping pong tables with chris, bub, jill and bub's roommate nora. we ended up playing with this group of 3 cute girls. bub invented a game that allowed all 8 of us to play across 2 tables. i was next to the hottest girl, who jill described as a prettier lisa turtle and who i thought sort of looked like christina milian.

anyways, she was really cool and funny and we chatted a bit, often high fiving paddles when we got a point for our team or else when she successfully defended the abyss. either way, the night was set up pretty well for me to make a relatively low risk attempt at getting her number:

  • i came with a group of people, boys and girls ( i feel like arriving in a mixed group like that seems less creepy and desperate)
  • she smiled at me quite a few times
  • i didn't say anything incredibly stupid
  • we had a sweet play where she popped the ball up off her arm and i slammed it for the point
  • there were not a lot of other guys around trying to compete for their attention
  • i was not drunk at all (no liquid courage to make me not a pussy)
  • she was way too hot for me (obviously)
  • the bar closed too early, i feel like another round of abyss ball and i maybe (probably not) could have made a move
oh well, another weekend, another regretful lack of trying. this has to stop and i need to man up. i don't know what i am so worried about. so what if she says no? it wouldn't be that big of a deal. i feel like i should have gone through this stuff when i was much younger. i also need to find the right balance of drunk. not be 10 drinks in, nor completely sober. i was the driver that night, so that is part of my excuse, but i think my friends are gonna have dd for me so that i can get moderately drunk...say 5 drinks?

another interesting note was that i wore my sambas after dave's gf made fun of my shoes last weekend. 3 different girls commented on how much they liked my shoes..granted 2 of them were jill and nora, but still...i'll take it. anyways, next week will be a different story, hopefully.

(i was looking for video of the episode where lisa breaks her foot and wins the dance contest at the max with screech but couldn't find it.)

Friday, June 5, 2009

spock is kinda turning into a serious a-hole

the story continues. if i loser it up this weekend, then i will have time to really dig into this story and makes some progress. for now, here is what i just wrote in the last 10 minutes. as usual, and i will stop asking and just know it is assumed, but please leave any feedback in the comments.

Most of the crew, well at least all the major movers and shakers were sitting around the buffet table, enjoying their meals (in space pill form) and trying to listen to Bones yammer on about his plan. Kirk has already dozed off and Spock was making threatening facial gestures towards Jordy, who unlike Scotty, knew better than to escalate matters. The plan is complicated and Bones isn't even 100% sure it will work correctly. “Basically, if my calculations are close enough, then it should work. We all need to enter the reactor pods completely nude...” explains Bones. Whoopi cackles “Oooh child...I bet you would love that!”. Clearly disturbed, Bones tries to continue his explanation. “Anyways...once in our assigned reactor pods, I will remotely activate the centrifuge. Once it begins, the pods will release space gas to put us to sleep. The spinning will eventually generate 88 metric tons of space pressure per space meter. That magic number, combined with the reverse osmosis will send us and the ship exactly 2 months back in time so we can easily pretend like we are not feeling well and avoid the moon mission.” At this point, Bones is essentially talking to himself. “I should have just let that bear eat me that one time...” he mumbles to himself. Picard, realizing that Bones has finished with his little presentation, stands up, yawns mockingly and declares “Ok everyone, let's just do what poindexter here says and -” Chekov interupts “But sir, doesn't this all seem a little risky? It's just a week. We'll all be fine after that.” Picard's face and voice suddenly take a more serious tone. “You little shit. Do not ever interrupt me again! Do you realize who I am? I'm the motherfuckin cap'n son! You mess up like that again, and my Vulcan buddy over here will make sure your screams can be heard in outer space.” Chekov glances over to Spock who is flashing a fucked up joker smile and is licking his lips. Chekov nervously agrees “I'm in. Let's go..back to the future...uh I mean past. Spock please stop staring at me. I'll be good now.”

i am no jon arbuckle

gonna take a quick break from my star trek story to note a recent revelation i had about my life. now i know i whine and complain about girls and stuff a lot on this blog, but whatever, that's what blogs are for sometimes. that's just the way it's gotta be sometimes. anyways, i took jessie to the vet last night as her ears have been bothering her. they also had to test her urine to make sure her uti was gone. well they got the sample and brought her back to the exam room where i was. jessie then begins to pee. not her normal squat and pee maneuver i have seen thousands of times. she was just standing as if nothing was going on and pee was shooting out from behind like she suddenly sprung a leak. i immediately yelled for her to stop and made her move. i quickly grabbed some paper towels, hoping i could clean it up before anyone noticed. then i looked at jessie, now peeing where i moved her to. it was ridiculous. i was scrambling around trying to clean up what ended up being about 10 different puddles of pee in something out of a stupid movie. this ridiculousness lasted about 5 minutes and i was able to "clean" it up, but as soon as the vet came in, i was like, we gotta change rooms.

ah, the new vet. she was of course really cute and age appropriate and she seemed to really like jessie. i considered trying to chat her up a little bit beyond the normal pet stuff, but who are we kidding? anyways, at one point during this visit, i looked at big fat, brindle jessie and wondered, is my life turning into a real life version of garfield? where i have a crush on my vet who takes care of my slovenly, striped pet? this realization was about 60% amusing, 40% depressing.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

sequel to star wars

well most people have enjoyed what i have written so far. i just spent another 30 minutes writing a little more, which i will post below. ben just came up with a genius ending to the story that doesn't even have a plot yet. and by genius, i mean, so good that i don't know if i should even use it. again, please post your feedback. anyways, the story picks up after the spock-scotty altercation.

Nurse Uhura dutifully stitches Scotty's nose back on his face using a little elbow grease and a lot of space thread. “Oh Scotty, why do you always allow that a-hole to suck you into his weirdo mind games?” Scotty shrugs his shoulder, lets out a sigh and avoids eye contact. Last night Scotty had professed his horniness to Uhura, only to have her admit that she was horny for someone else. She wouldn't admit who, but he had his suspicions. “Just make it so I can smell again...” Right then Sulu walks by “Mmm, you're kinda ripe already dude.” He smiles, high fives Uhura and she exclaims “Amen to that!” All 3 burst out laughing simultaneously, Uhura and Sulu share a knowing glance that is not noticed by Scotty. Or was it?

Back on the bridge, Captains Kirk and Picard are mulling over what could have become of their planned double date if they weren't quarantined. “I would totally have gotten the hot one.” explains Picard. “The ladies love 'cardy!” Kirk asks “Why is everything a competition with you? They both probably would have been hot, at least that's what Data told me and his tastes are impeccable. Either way, we'll never know. Stupid moon. I hate you moon!” Just then Bones comes excitedly bumbling into the command center. “Captain! I think I may have figured out a way to get us out of this pickle! What we need to do is what's known as 'time travel'.” Both captains look at each other. Captain Kirk mentions “I've never heard of that.” Picard throws in his two cents “It sounds stupid.” “Sirs, it's not stupid and can make it so that we never have to undergo that situation on the moon and be able to bypass this quarantine, thusly getting our leave time.” Kirk asks “Well are there any risks involved?” Picard snaps back, “Whatever, who cares about 'risks'...quit being such a baby and let's just do what nerdboy here wants to do so we can go on our double date. I call no Klingon!” Kirk, realizing he has been beaten to the punch, hangs his head low and attempts to focus on Bones' plan.

star wars

i have recently become aware of the phenomena known as fan fiction and i found the idea pretty intriguing. now even though i have not technically watched much star trek, i sort of get the gist i think. i'm a pretty sharp guy. while i may not know many specifics, its presence in pop culture gives me a good enough idea of how things work. i assume the show has a very rich history i can mine from and has many fans that might find my take on the star trek universe fun and entertaining. i'm not saying these will be better than actual star trek stories, although i am not ruling the possibility out, but we'll see where it goes. i just started writing it this morning and am using my usual write as i go with no idea where it will eventually end up.

i have already been chastised by dan for writing this when i am not a "trekkie" or whatever you nerds call yourselves. nam has also pointed out that jess wrote some trek fan fic when she was like 15. either way, i have spent about 30 minutes crafting the beginning scene or whatever for my story. i realize that i am not a very good writer right now, but hopefully i will improve some as i go. i will post what i have so far below. please provide any feedback positive or negative about what i have written so far, as well as any suggestions. thanks!

Untitled Start Trek Adventure

Captain's Log #345

We have some downtime whilst awaiting our redeployment next week. Unfortunately, due to the mishap on the moon, we are all quarantined here on this fucking ship. I swear to god that I will murder everyone on board if they can't expedite this process and give us some god-damned leave. I am getting too old for this shit.

Tensions are high aboard the S.S. Enterprise as nobody will take full blame for what happened on the moon. The crew has been on duty for 6 straight months and now their leave time is being used up. They just can't catch a break. Everyone sits around eyeballing each other, barely speaking a word. Spock, clearly one of the most upset crew members, steps down from his garish throne and intensely locks eyes with Scotty. Not being one to ever back down, Scotty stands up from his side-lying position at the bay window and aggressively approaches the cold-faced Spock. The present crew members focus their attention on the potential face-off as at least a means of entertainment if not a form of justice as many place the blame of the moon fiasco solely on Spock's broad Vulcan shoulders.

Both men now stand facing each other in the middle of the room, posturing up and looking tough. “Oh man...I have been waiting for this moment for a loooooong time...are you ready to be murdered by these fingers?” asked Scotty. Spock calmly replied “According to my calculations, you will lose this fight so bad, you died yesterday....and so did your Momma!” An enraged Scotty gets in Spock's face “That's it, you ready to fight?” “No fighting...” Scotty raises his eyebrow and looks confused. Spock continued, “...just kissing.” Scotty scans the room to get confirmation from his fellow crewmates that this took a weird turn. Spock smiles and leans in for the kiss, but quickly changes course and takes a huge chomp out of Scotty's unsuspecting nose. Spock then spits out the nose chunk and causally walks away. His smug expression is only matched by the horror on Scotty's face as dark red blood projects out of his nose hole like a fruit punch fountain dispenser. Even though their was a collective gasp and scream of horror from Sulu, everybody else acts like they didn't see it cause it's really gross.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

so bro is a nono for coco?

as a g.e. shareholder, i have to assume that a change from stupid jay leno to awesome conan o'brien can only help the struggling megaconglomerate. it still astounds me that jay leno has fans and that includes my parents for some reason...i suppose it's a generational thing, but i dunno, 25 years from now i am pretty sure i will not enjoy dumbed-down, lazyily written, safe, predictable "humor" delivered by a hacky comic (who apparently was still making monica lewinsky and oj simpson jokes last week). this fucker couldn't just retire gracefully. he knew america craved more leno. 17 years of blandness was obviously not enough and he will now be doing a 10 pm show that i guess matches his audience's sleeping habits better, except that it would honestly work much better for me if conan aired at 10. i have ranted on leno's awfulness in a prior blog post, and there has been plenty of anti-leno stuff written recently (here's a good one from videogum), so i won't go on and on about it anymore. fuck you jay leno. ok now i'm done.

now let's take a critical look at conan obrien's 2 day tenure on the tonight show. i somehow stayed up for the first episode, but had to dvr last night's. overall, i was kind of dissappointed with the first show. conan has set the standard high and i also know that with it being the first night, he had to keep it relatively safe and ease his absurdly assy brand of humor in slowly. it was nice to see him on a great looking set, especially when compared to leno's over the top, tacky, garish set. it was awesome to see andy richter back, although a little weird that he is now standing off to the side instead of sitting next to conan. max weinberg is back witht he same band, althought hearing "max weinberg and the tonight show band" will take some getting used to.

the show opened with conan, 20 minutes from taping his first show, realizing he still needed to move from new york to california. the montage of him running through amish country, across wrigley field, not being able to resist a quick visit to a doll museum, etc. was more a nice way to start off the show than anything that funny. during his monolgue, you could sense his nervousness and his jokes were ok, not great. the next segment had conan taking over one of those universal studios tours. while some of his quips fell flat, there were some decent stuff, like getting everyone to chant "circle! circle! circle!" as the tour trolleys simply rode around in a circle. this chant carried over into the live audience which was pretty funny.

will ferrell was the only sit down guest and he was also oddly restrained. he did manage to call liza minelli( his tony award competition) a communist. he sang conan a heartfelt goodbye song (gigantic ass), but where was the leprechaun dance?

as i ate breakfast this morning i watched the beginning of last night's show. i liked what i saw. i still don't really care much for the monolgue (conan's nor the idea of them for these shows in general). the sketch where he goes on a shopping spree on rodeo road (not drive) in south central was pretty assy and hilarious. his purchase of the bitch belt was nice. also a seemingly stupid sketch where he brings all of the most "interesting" tweets from celebrities was super assy. as they were the most mundane tweets possibly, but delivered by some extreme sounding and super assy announcer. i don't know if it has the lasting power of most of his classics, but i enjoyed it.

either way, things are looking up and i hope to see a gradual upping of the assiness and reintroductions of classic characters and bits like the masturbating bear, vomiting kermit, frankenstein, pierre bernard and of course triumph. and if you don't like staying up late, or you have a life at night, and you don't dvr stuff, you can catch his show on hulu.

Monday, June 1, 2009

what's yo man got to do with me?

this marks 2 weekends in a row that were a little more interesting and eventful than usual. yesterday we played basketball and lost to a bunch of 11 year old hustlers. saturday we went to bub's bbq and while it was a great time, i do have some regrets. the paragraphs coming up may become a little too personal and could turn into one of those situations where you are so embarassed for someone that it makes you embarassed...i dunno how it's all gonna come out....but just a warning that you might want to just skip this post. i guess it's not really thaaaat bad, but just maybe more than i should share publicly.
anyways...i drank at the bbq....kind of a lot. it started off with a 40 of steel reserve and continued with jungle juice and other beers. i dominated in flip cup to the point where it wasn't really fair any more. i got into some serious beer pong shit-talking with bub's crazy roommate who farted on another girl. i played some invented beach ball game with jill. i may have agreed to take kung fu with some guy with a strong southern accent. dave wanted to punch chris in the face. i somehow ended up scraping the knuckles on my left hand pretty good and i don't remember how. i got to see katie's apartment and she apprently made fun of my shoes. i won one game of dominos without playing.

i also spotted a well dave spotted her and said i should talk to her. i took a look and agreed. she was really cute and seemed cool. now here is why i need to find the right level of drunkeness. i was certainly socially lubricated, but was also an idiot. i did manage to talk to her some. i found out we have a similar fondness for freaks and geeks. i also know that she is going to grad school for something in education. i just wasn't focused enough and as the night went on, i think my comments to her got more and more non-sensical. either way, i couldn't have made a good first impression. due to my inebriation, i also really have no clue if she was interested as well and my self-defeatist style says doubtful.

i do hope that she was pretty drunk too. that could help me out some. the worst part though...i didn't even say bye to her when i stumbled out of bub's house...i know...
i remember her name and i hope to see her again at one of bub's future get togethers. where i will hopefully be a little drunk, so that i can summon the courage to really try to holla at her, but not sloppy drunk. i also have a lot of self doubt i guess and can psych myself out of these things. maybe she is dating someone...she probably is not interested...i don't know what to say...why am i so awkward?...etc. i know i need to be a little more positive and confident, but that can be hard to force.
so yeah, i am feeling like enough time has passed from my previous relationship that i should be trying to drunkenly hit on girls. it has been a long time since i have actually talked to a girl i was into and that in and of itself was nice. but i am realizing that for whatever reason (i like to think that it's because i have been in ltr after ltr) i have no game and need to improve my conversational well as upgrade my shoes apparently. at this point i even consider my pathetic attempts on saturday a success as at least i am making an effort. if i never see her again, at least i got a little practice and next time it will be easier. i look to my friends who after laughing at me, should give me some tips on trying to talk to girls or any other general girl advice.