Tuesday, October 28, 2008

and yet another internet celebrity is born

the picture above, which apparently blew up on the internet yesterday is horrifying and yet fascinating to me. are we looking at some little girl who is simply unimpressed with this house fire, giving us a casual "eh...i've seen better" expression? or are we looking at something more sinister, possibly into the eyes of evil?

i am leaning more towards the latter as i am pretty sure she somehow influenced that fire's origin. people are calling her disaster girl as if she were some sort of malevolent preschool mothman or else the beginnings of some awful m. night shyamalan movie. regardless of whether or not she started this fire intentionally or unintentionally with her mind, or even more horrific, just poured gasoline all over the living room, lit a match and casually walked outside to enjoy her work, i believe this is not the last we will see of disaster girl and i would like to now officially pledge my allegiance to d.g. what do you guys think? smart move on my part? is she as potentially evil/powerful as i think?

also, buzzfeed had readers submit hilarious (although not funny if she is not amused) photoshops of disaster girl in action. here are some noteables:

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

foreign film realization

q: do you like foreign films?

a: fuck yeah i do. i love that type of crap...with all of the subtitles and shit.

that is how i probably responded to such queries a few years ago. i think for a while i enjoyed the idea of liking foreign cinema. only uncultured idiots do not enjoy foreign movies. or so i had more or less convinced myself. as my friends know by now, i am of pretty average intelligence and not really any more cultured than anyone else. i enjoy music, tv and movies like everyone else. and also like everyone else, i don't really read. i used to consider enjoying movies from other countries as something that sophisticated and educated people did for jollies. while that may be true to some extent, i have come to terms with the fact that i am not part of this snooty club and am not a big fan of most foreign films.

first off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a lot of foreign films. good movies are good movies, but at the same time, i am forced to read and follow dialogue as opposed to taking a brain vacation and enjoying something like teen wolf. basically, i am lazy, have a short attention span and i absolutely refuse to be part of something that is unamerican.

i do actually consider city of god, a brazilian movie, to be a contender for my favorite movie of all time. but that movie was awesome and you know it. although, if i am being honest, i have willfully and intentionally seen the film white chicks more often...and loved every minute of it.

q: what does this say about me?

a: i dunno. i don't like it when people, myself included, pretend to like stuff cause they feel like it is cool to do so. not that i think i was ever lying to myself or others about liking these movies, but just that i kind of wanted to enjoy them more than i truly did and so therefore i thought i liked them. now i am just coming to terms with it. also, i am lazy. if a movie is over 90 minutes there is a 30% chance i will fall asleep before the end credits.

q: will i ever watch a foreign film again?

a: i'm sure i will, but to have a chance at liking it, i have to be in the right mood. also, it probably can't be too dependent on dialogue.

q: you mentioned city of god. what other titles have slipped past and deemed actually good by you?

a: thanks to netflix, i do get a chance to view some movies i would not normally view. some of these have been foreign. some that i can remember liking that i have seen in the last year or so include zombie 2, tekkon kinkreet, the devil's backbone, the machine girl, angel-a, son of rambow, hot fuzz, oldboy, them, and mystics in bali. hmmm...maybe i had too strong of a reaction to what i thought was my anti-foreign film view and in actuality i really do like foreign movies. knowing that i have in fact been more or less genuine makes me feel a little better.

q: what was the point of all this?

a: you know what? i don't like your attitude. why don't you go watch some of you bruckheimer dvds with your stupid frat buddies and leave me alone with my vino and subtitled masterpieces.

a reaction to laura's blog

ok...most people have now seen laura's blog post that shows me getting clowned by her and her dance slap revenge. congratulations go out to dan, laura and eskay for a job well done. it was well executed, recorded and edited. all of this at my expense, but excellent none the less. with that in mind, laura has to know that this war is not over. i refuse to go down like that.

on the other hand, i am 30 years old and maybe it's time i grow up a little bit. laura and i have had our fair share of back and forths and maybe i should just assume that over the years we are more or less even. also, i am concerned with the growing sentiment of most people backing laura and siding with her on our fight. i have mentioned to her that because of this, people won't find what i do nearly as funny or satisfying whenever i do happen to get my revenge...which could happen at any moment laura...look behind you! ok that probably did not scare her...or did it?....boo! check your shoes laura...you might not like what you see. again, these are lame, but give you an idea of the campaign of fear and paranoia that i am hoping to wage over the next 10 years or up until i get my revenge. because of the laura-favored sentiment as well as the admittedly awesomeness of her revenge, whatever i do will have to be that much more elaborate and humiliating.

but what should it do? i have hinted that someone who is close to her, who she would never expect, would turn on her in some sort of fantastical revenge prank. she will not fall for another dance slap unless it is cheaply done and that will just not satisfy me. i will have to think long and hard...consult with those who may still be in my camp and plan it out. the internet is a good tool for ideas...here are some hilarious ones that have piqued my interest. let me know what you guys think.

these pranks are pretty classic.

this one is simple yet effective.

this might be too much effort for too little payoff.


let's just hope it doesn't backfire like this one.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

october roundup

there is no central theme or topic for this blog entry. in fact i believe it will comprise of a lot of random, unconnected thoughts and observations i have had recently. maybe i will break down in some sort of categorical headings.

fantasy sports

ah yes, everyone's favorite blog topic. fantasy football is going on and i really am as uninterested in it as i can remember. my big money team is stacked, undefeated and will surely make me slightly richer by the end of the year. my friends league started off well, but has slowly been getting worse and worse each week, with my first defeat occurring this past weekend. i think things are pretty much downhill from here on out, but again, i don't really care that much about it for some reason....

maybe that's because fantasy basketball is about to start! chris was the only one brave enough to venture into the crazy 16 team league i joined and while i was not prepared at all for the draft, i think my team should be decent. one problem is my team is lacking huge upside rookies, which is something that i love but is also often times my downfall. we shall see. i was happy to draft devin harris as my starting point guard...that is until i saw this video a few days later of him getting schooled by some british nerd in a sweater and tight jeans.

last weekend

on friday, i regretfully agreed to see the max payne movie starring no sense of humor marky mark. i fell asleep, which i know dave is already thinking, "what else is new?", but whatever. it was awful. don't even rent it.

on saturday, i for one drank way too much and i am starting to realize that while i don't have an addiction, i am too easily swayed into binge drinking antics. i drank all saturday afternoon with chris, then went to the turtle with nicky, dave and phil. i think i ended up being the most drunk i have been in a few years and the next morning was not pretty. nicky claims that i am "cool" when i am drunk, which might explain why she avoids spending time with me while i am sober, but i think that i tend to shoot my mouth off a lot when intoxicated and it can leave me with some next morning regrets. also, since i am trying to be healthier and get in reasonable shape, drinking in excess is kind of shooting myself in the foot.

sunday was football free as i somehow managed to pull myself out of bed and go to renfest with jill, bub and some of their friends. it was a fun time, although it is never as good as i expect. we did a lot of people watching. bub and i tried to bet on jousters. bub spent half the day shirtless with just a vest on. jill was on a ridiculous search for some sort of princess hat. we spotted bananaman. jill and i had fun, i think bub did not.

stuff i look at at work

sushi cat - it's no spaghetti cat, but still awesome

conflicting message

animals riding other animals - this is my current desktop image

halloween and parties

there are a bunch of potential parties coming up due to halloween and friends' birthdays. this could cause to be a major conflict for my trying to drink less. this weekend bub is having a party and the following day one of the rivetti relatives is having some sort of awesome outdoor bonfire party that is a 2 hour drive away. i am intrigued by both, though i know i will need a costume for both. i am notoriously bad about making/thinking of costumes and i don't think that will change this year. i just have a hard time committing to anything and then if i do end up dressing up, it's just something thrown together at the last minute. i will probably go to the party store and find some crappy mask or something. in case i do decide to be more creative and put forth a little effort, here are some costume ideas that i will not end up using:
  • zombie
  • green m&m
  • lady bug
  • andrew w.k.
  • sarah palin
  • crazy newspaper face
maybe you are a hot girl who happens to be both reading this blog as well as suffering from the same costume dilemma. this will help:

the following weekend also marks the birthdays of dan and brigitte, both of whom are having parties at the same time at the same place. i believe brigitte is truing 27, while dan is hitting the big 4-0. dave and i were discussing having a steal their thunder party the night before, but it is probably more funny in theory than it would be in practice.

conclusion and other random bits
  • laura has titled her latest blog post as "super secret special surprise" which has me interested as well as a little concerned. maybe she's pregnant. probably not. hopefully it is not the video of her dance-slapping me in the face. hopefully she was smart and just deleted it.
  • last week i was able to do single leg squats for the first time.
  • there is a rumor that louis davis brown will be in town this weekend.
  • i have been hurting myself a lot recently...my left wrist and right side of my neck were sore a few days ago for no apparent reason.
  • a new and awesome dog park just opened up a few minutes from our house...i took jessie to the ribbon cutting ceremony...too bad it won't make her any smarter
  • so that's about it for now...and hey, this is my 100th post.

Friday, October 17, 2008

the legend

i'm not sure how to start this blog, nor where it is going or how it will end. it's directions and creation remain a mysterious entity much like the subject of this blog, crazy olympics. even though ben has blogged about him, i am surprised that i have not mentioned him before as he has become a major player in the folklore of laurel. just to give you some basic background information on crazy olympics, he is a muscular black man who is frequently seen walking, dancing, exercising and brooding his way throughout laurel. he has certain outfits he wears, more or less dependent on the weather. when it's hot, cargo shorts, no shirt, pink bandana. when it's cold, trenchcoat and hat. he is always listening to music...or so we hope. he has an old discman that he carries with him while dancing, exercising or terrorizing laurelinians. some of us are of the school of thought that he does not even have batteries in his discman and is not actually listening to anything a normal person would hear, but instead dances to something he thinks he hears. it is all very complicated, much like the man himself.

dave and i first encountered him driving by safeway and noticing a ripped guy doing pushups in front of the store. he looked crazy. dave asked me what he was doing. i responded "training for the crazy olympics" and thus the legend was born.

his face is pretty similar to charlie murphy's....only...you know...crazier

soon after this safe-from-a-distance encounter we got a little closer as dave had just visited the dentist and we were walking into safeway to get his medicine. well in his anesthetic daze, dave must have looked at crazy olympics the wrong way as c.o. called him a "hippy fucker" and followed this up with a whirlwind of aggressive nonsense mixed in with threatening cursewords. we were both confused and horrified as we quickly entered the safety zone of safeway. upon leaving we checked and made sure he was not around or looking for us as we made our cowardly exit.
he has the body of terry crews, this pic works well as if i was ice cube and dave was mike epps, except that i am 3 inches taller than dave.

since then, all of our crazy olympic sightings have been about the same. he is either seen working out or standing is front of a store "listening" to his music and dancing with a purpose. he does not half-ass either endeavor. i've had a few theories about c.o., who apparently also threatened to kill everyone in ben's store.
  1. he was one of hammer's backup dancers and just snapped when his hairstyle was getting clowned
  2. he is some sort of social scientist studying how people react to crazy
  3. he is crazy

well just yesterday i saw him more close than i had seen him since he tried to murder dave. i was dropping off my dry cleaning so my new suit does not end up like my old suit. as i returned to my car, much to my pleasure and horror, i see crazy olympics standing there in the more or less empty parking lot hunched over, staring at the ground, holding a broom and long dustpan. my first thought was, uh oh, he killed a janitor. but then i saw him actually sweeping...sort of. maybe someone paid him to clean up the parking lot...i guess. but it would not be crazy olympics if he was not doing something crazy. he was sweeping up random leaves, but doing it in an interesting way. he seemed to be randomly stalking specific leaves, leaving other identical leaves unswept. he lept around, pouncing on unsuspecting leaves, quickly sweeping them up, then scanning the area and leaping somewhere else to pick up another random leaf, leaving a lot of unswept leaves in his path. that was difficult to explain and i am sure impossible to understand, but that was more or less what i watched for a good 10 seconds, before i quickly got in my car and drove away.

what was he doing? where did he get those cleaning accessories? was someone actually paying him? is he registered to vote? there are many questions revolving around the man known as crazy olympics (real name apparently bobby), but we will probably never understand, and i guess that adds to his legend. maybe one day (while being escorted by nam) i will approach crazy olympics and try to learn more about him and understand the mystery.


dave's most recent blog discussed his recent video game purchase, nhl 09. this has made me want to blog about one of the things louise got for me for my birthday, tiger woods 09. i really enjoy golfing video games and play them with louise and chris all the time. there is something about the pacing of the game that is nice since my reflexes have been going downhill regardless of what people saw when i played hot hands. i also really enjoy the extremely detailed create-a-player option that allows me to create some real freaks that everyone seems to loves to hate on. also i am very good at the game.

anyways, we played it at lee's birthday party last weekend using the official drinking rules, that led me down a dark path as i had to take shots of tequilla for every eagle i shot. even with this obstacle to overcome, i somehow finished with what i am pretty sure is the best game i have ever played. i scored a 48 in an 18 hole course. to give you some historical perspective of how mindblowing that score is, the lowest real golf score ever recorded in history is 55. as far as i know, tiger woods himself has never broken 60 strokes in an 18 hole course. so imagine his reaction when i roll up to his house and shoot a sub 50! it might just make him quit golf altogether...maybe he gets a job at best buy or something, cause he would know my golfing would haunt him forever.

my joining the pga tour would change things forever. i would be crushing my opponents to the point where my lead would be insurmountable after the 2nd hole. you would think beating professional golfers who have been playing their entire lives and more or less making them look silly would get old. to spice things up, i might start to hotdog a little. here are some ideas to makes the games reasonably close, entertain the fans and humiliate/enrage my opponents:
  • play a few holes wearing a blindfold
  • putt with my driver and drive with my putter
  • pants tiger woods when he is trying to putt
  • switchhit
  • casually engage in a conversation with my opponent, while maintaining eye contact, secretly putt the ball into the hole, then walk away with the opponent expecting me to putt, later realizing i did it while we were talking
  • bank shots off of obstacles ala happy gilmore
  • steal tiger woods' golf cart and drive it into a water hazard
  • play a round with one of those plastic kids golf sets

going too far? i hope so. i bet i could also put that watering can to good use too.

i could go on. i think stuff like this would make me the hit of the pga tour. now some of you may be questioning the transfer of my videogame golf abilities to actual physical golf. has anyone played me in mini golf before? because if you have that's one definite loss on your mini golf record. if you haven't played me before, it's probably best for your general well-being that you avoid the humiliation and frustration that comes from losing to me. so look forward to me making a huge splash on the pga circuit in the near future...maybe tiger will want to be my caddy...

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

this is how amazon got so rich

i have been a little lazy with blogging, but now that dave has decided to post something, i will do the same. let me pose this questions to the 2 of you:

do you love to track packages that you order online?

because i do and admit it, you do too. it might be my favorite aspect of ordering stuff i don't need online. usually once i actually receive the package, it is a let down from the anticipation of waiting for it to arrive.

now this may be more of a result of again, being bored at work and looking for any diversion possible. i have actually been really busy lately and while the days tend to go by faster, it still sucks. it may also speak to the slightly obsessive-compulsive behaviors that i have begun to exhibit as i get older.

yesterday i placed an order for products online (steroids) and once i received the e-mail from the steroid emporium stating that the shipment had been shipped and this included a tracking number...i was pumped. get it? because earlier i was joking about ordering steroids! seriously, sometimes these things just go way over your guys' heads. really, the substances i had ordered were legal in most u.s. states.

anyways, i have tracked this package 5 or 6 times with little movement having occurred. it started out in colorado and as of 12:41 am, has made its way to tennessee. the expected date of arrival is october 17 by 4:30 pm...but i have a feeling it might make it to my house by tomorrow! who knows what will happen??? this is craaaaaazy! and that's part of what makes tracking shipments so much fun. note that i went with the free shipping option (trying to live my life with more of a "wwldbd?" focus) and i also opted for no signature required, thus allowing the deliveryman to leave the package by the door or next to the frog. i bet your head is spinning with all of these delivery variables.

so now i sit and wait. i will check the status of my shipment throughout the day, watching it move closer and closer to its final destination. i will follow the story of this package's journey across the country, which i assume is like a fedex version of milo and otis.

maybe this guy has my package, if not he needs to stop giving me that creepy look.

once i get my shipment i will be all
but then the initial excitement will subside a little and i will be more
and then finally all of my excitement will be over and i'll be like

Monday, October 6, 2008

i had a good time and that's all that matters

this was a big weekend. dave purchased nhl 09! my fantasy teams performed well (what's new?). the union of laura and dan occurred and it was quite eventful. a lot of little things happened, so much so that i am having difficulty putting this post together in a structured manner.

the ceremony started sort of early (11:30AM). the rivetti clan came to our house and we all drove to the mansion together. it was located next to some golf course/country club and it was very nice. the weather was as perfect as when we were in tennessee. highlights from the brief (thankfully) ceremony included eskay reading some scripture and laura (looking lovely) nearly losing it. it was all very nice. i also could not shake the thought of rushing up and pushing chris into the fountain behind him.

this wedding brought together a lot of people from my past and it was really nice seeing everyone. i did talk to jen and that went about as well as i could have hoped. i was still painfully awkward, but i think we were both happy to see each other. other noteables included mike kabran, tobin and janet. the reception was nice and the food, although slightly limiting for me, was delicious.

following the reception, we returned to my house where people rested and i pushed hard for more drinking. there were some hesitantly agreeing, probably to shut me up, but overall the lack of enthusiasm was slightly disheartening. we also watched the dvd of nick's one foray into the world of stand-up comedy.

from there the girls and nick drove the the turtle, while the guys walked. there were less people than i expected there, but it was still an awesome time either way. we drank a lot of beer. i bought a round of shots, where i drunkenly added a nice, fat tip even though the waitress had already added 18% gratuity. liz bought me a mind eraser through dave's tab. i think i drunkenly agreed to train ju-jitsu with janet's husband. i started playing hot hands. i blew chris' right hand up so that it looked like a latex glove that someone had blown into. upon seeing this, i demanded we stop playing and i nearly ralphed. there were many more challengers who all suffered the same fate, but to a lesser degree.

there is one other thing i need to note. about 10 years ago i had pulled the "let me show you my new dance move" joke that results in laura getting slapped. i did it twice, the second time being sweeter than the first due to it's outrageous set up. she had tried numerous times to get me back, often when i was inebriated, but she never quite pulled it off as she would get too excited and i would catch on. well dan had called me over. i was pretty drunk, but not enough to use it as an excuse. he set me up asking about his and laura's first dance. laura mentioned she wanted to try some new moves but dan wasn't feeling them. i of course ask about these moves and i fall for it hook, line and sinker. i got it good and laura finally got her revenge after all these years. the worst and most infuriating part was that i look up and eskay had videotaped the whole thing. i later saw him rewatching it with others, all laughing hysterically. i guess if i am going to be the butt of laura's joke, it might as well be on her wedding day. i know this will be the subject of one of laura's blogs when she returns and i will again be the focus of ridicule. she should just know that the war does not end with that slap.

we left the turtle sort of early to watch kimbo get knocked out. ben and louise led some people in rockband. people were passing out early and it was sort of a sad, anti-climactic way to end the night. therefore i decided to tell phil some bedtime stories prior to his going to sleep. i am not one to brag, but i am pretty sure those 2 stories will stay with him forever.

the next morning i awoke to be surprisingly sore. i hadn't been to the gym that day so i was confused. then i remembered, 7 or so rounds of intense hot hands had actually made me more sore than if i had worked out at the gym. my medial deltoids, both sides of my latissmus dorsi and even my left sternocleidomastoid (due to my intense head movements...i wish i was kidding about that) were all extremely sore. the palms of my hands were sore but not swollen due to wrecking people. it was pretty silly.

(i like how this whole entry is so focused on me, even though it is about dan and laura's wedding).

with that in mind, i do have some regrets/wishes:
  • i wish i had talked to jen more.
  • i wish others had drank way more.
  • i wish i had not left my awesome bottle of dragon's tail habanero hot sauce at the turtle...if anyone picked it up, please let me know.
  • i wish i had looked at my turtle bill a little closer.
  • i wish i had remembered to bring my camera to either event. thankfully i have stolen quite a few pictures posted by friends.
  • i wish dan had almost broken down during the ceremony instead of laura.
  • i wish i had talked to dan's parents...i sometimes just assume that people i barely know don't remember me and therefore don't really want to talk to me. the latter part might be true, but i wonder if i just appear rude.
below is a sample of pictures that i have stolen so far.

moments before the end

anders is a top student at nam's posing academy


laura was temporarily blinded by my being awesome. it's tough on the bride when she is out shined on her wedding day

louis kept introducing chakima (sp?) as "kima" which threw me off, but i knew either way, the answer was coupons.

any picture where my eyes are open and i don't have multiple chins becomes an instant go-to picture. louise looks nice too i guess.

phil and his stalker eyes obviously making some girl uncomfortable enough to walk away, pretending that she sees someone else she needs to talk to.

yeah...i dunno either.

cheers! i paid for those.

zoe has officially reached the status of being cuter than an animal dressed up as a different animal.

this is mainly for jess

but others should feel free to enjoy. when will this get old?

Friday, October 3, 2008

another one bites the dust

this weekend coming up is a doozy (i don't usually use words like that). my good friends dan and laura will be setting up a joint bank account...actually they probably won't because, even though i wouldn't understand, it is somehow smarter not to. that and they are getting married. i have known both for a very, very, very long time and now i get to be there on the special day that they ruin each others' lives.

i have many memories of both. let's start with laura. we had supposedly been going to the same camps (evergreen, then sunshine) since we were 7. laura says she remembers me, but i don't quite recall knowing her then, probably because i was so popular and she was not really cool enough to hang with me back then. fast forward a few years and thus began our back and forth prank/dumb stuff kids do war. she put dirt in my backpack, i hit her with a pink towel (not filled with rocks), she mashed a banana into my shirt, i ordered bacon to put a crayfish in her hair, etc. it was pretty ridiculous and hilarious. this of course led to laura becoming my first girlfriend as i basically had her friend ask her out for me because i was too scared. yes, i was quite the ladies man even back then. it seemed like it would last forever but instead it was more like 3 months. following that, laura and i remained friends up until now with many fond memories like me hurting her hands in hot hands, the florida road trip, and filming "murderer?".

this may bring back frightening memories for laura

i have known dan since we were in nursery school together at the univeristy of maryland, so i have technically known dan for over 25 years. we didn't go to the same elementary school (he probably went to some nerd school for super smart nerds), but we did play on the same flag football team where he was somehow qb1...who knew? i know dan also went to camp sunshine, but i don't think we really hung out at that point...again, probably because i was too cool and he wasn't able to associate himself with me. we started hanging out again in high school and in theater. i remember dan's awesome indiana jones-esque hat. i remember cutting his hair and accidentally cutting the sides too short. he was mad and happened to be spending the weekend at my house. he threatened to shave my eyebrows off when i slept, but thankfully did not. i also remember hanging out in laurel (isn't it weird that we hung out there even back then?) and we started laughing when we saw the barrel of monkeys game in toys r' us. the laughing continued for like 2 nonstop hours and i am pretty sure my parents thought we had done drugs or something. like with laura, dan and i have also remained friends through the years.

yeah...looking back, i'm not quite sure what we found so funny about this

so now these 2 losers are ruining things and getting married. i am looking forward to the events. here are some things that i think or hope might happen:
  • i will get drunk
  • somebody else (chris?) will get even more drunk, make an ass out of themselves, thus making me seem "not too bad"
  • louise will declare herself "wasted" after 2 beers
  • people will not be impressed with my new suit as it looks exactly like my old one
  • things won't be as awkward as i am expecting when i see and talk to my ex (i am trying to downplay this but am feeling quite anxious)
  • louis will have coupons for discount drinks at the turtle after party
  • dan will begrudgingly dance
  • jill will want to organize some sort of choreographed dance routine that i will refuse to be a part of
  • heather will give birth during the ceremony
  • eskay will pick up a girl or 4
  • nam will be caught posing multiple times
  • many lame jokes will be made about phil bringing bub
  • laura and dan's moms will cry
  • the after after party will in fact not be in the hotel lobby, but probably at our house
i was looking through my pictures to post some nice, respectable ones of them on this blog. below is the most recent and boring picture i have of them and also the only one where laura is not drunkenly screaming hateful slurs and dan is not doing various illegal things. cheers! see you tomorrow.